Hey everyone, My name is Shannon, I’m male from Australia and 19.
For years now I’ve been very insecure about myself, lacking self-esteem and self-confidence. Only until a few days ago I didn’t even double think it, and thought it was normal and I would live the rest of my life like this. However, how wrong I was. I began to actually think about it and I realised how bad it is.
Here are the common occurrences, I’ll indent and try and explain my best logic and background about them.:
1) I often exagerrate or lie about my life stories or my school/univerisety grades.
—- Because I’m never satisfied with myself that I need to exagerrate the truth to please others?
2)I feel even strangers are witnessing and judging my actions on a serious level.
—- Do I think peoples lives revolve around me? Logically this wouldn’t be so as everyone is usually focussed on theirselves, and if not, they are focussed like me on what others think.
3) I often don’t input much into conversations in fear of being judged about a different opinion, stupid idea or what I say won’t come across smoothly. This is usually to do with serious discussions about current affairs. Chit chat with people I’m comfortable with or old pople is fine, it’s usually attractive girls or academics at my uni that I fear the most are judging me on what are say and presuming I’m inferior. I listen to other peoples stories and problems but always feel when I say something about myself they don’t care, so I don’t usually do this. I take their silence as boredom and uninterest.
—- I’d presume because I have such low self-esteem I don’t think I’m worthy of having my own stories known? And more logically and commonly, their silence is because they are listening?
4) I lost 25kg since January, as part of my New Years Resolution but I still consider myself to be fat and unhappy with my body? I haven’t shown anyone my body for years.
—- Being fat all my life, it’s going to take time to reprogram my mind into thinking otherwise.
5) At univeristy, I honeslty don’t think I can achieve good grades and that my contribution in political discussions (I study politics) are meaningless and people will think I’m stupid.
—- To succeed the most I would need to assume I’ll achieve and just try my best. Previous grades at both school and uni not being as good as hoped have made me assume the worst and thus not 100% concetrating on my best.
6) Hate getting haircuts as it brings attention to myself.
—- This would most likely be explained by being constantly teased at school a few years ago whenever I, or anyone really, got a haircut.
7) Don’t think I’ll have a successful future. I think I’ll be like my father and not be successful at all.
—- Previous failures have made me assume I’ll live on social welfare and other things.
Hate competiting, physically, academically or with video games as I assume I’ll fail and be judged.
—- Previous failures. Even when I was 9, I FINALLY had some competition in the class (prior I was the top at everything) and I hated it and cried to my mum.
9) Don’t consider myself to even obtain a part time job such as working at a supermarket.
—- Although I did have a part time job at the local newspaper a year or so back for 3 years, working at such a job requires hands on work which I think I lack. I thus will rush it and fear people will look at me when working.
Other things which need to be considered:
1) During Primary school and most of High School I would get awesome grades, if I got something bad I would feel horrible about myself and my Dad would be disappointed to.
2) Teased as a child for my big head or being overweight. During 2002-2003 it was because of my dandruff and 2005-2006 my big nose. I’m not teased anymore but I still feel sh** about myself. HATED getting haircut sas it
3) Used the computers lots as a teenager and often felt it was easier to be confident, now I sometimes think they are sepearate identities and that I’m afraid when I meet up with someone in person that I haven’t seen for ages or never seen before.
4) I’ve only kissed three girls in my life. Since my weight loss I’ve received more female attention (a girl has admitted to liking me) but I don’t consider myself worthy and I fear commitment. Fear showing a girl my body. Still fear being a sh** kisser.
5) My father is smart but is also an alcoholic and unemployed.
6) My mother died when I was 12 in 2001 and she was the only one I would vent my problems to.
7) But as stated before, I can be very confident sometimes and funny if it comes naturally with people. It’s much harder with univeristy people or attractive girls though.
There is probably much more of my history that I remembered before but can no longer recall, and there is probably even more that is in my subconcious for why I am like this.
I KNOW I’m a smart person, I should stop telling myself otherwise. Thinking that has made me do
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