Separation Anxiety in Children

Don't leave me...

You might be surprised to learn that nearly 6.6%* of adults in the US suffer with separation anxiety but a little over half as many youngsters do – with just over 4.1% of our children being troubled by this problem.

In this article I hope to be able to give you some specific pointers to understanding the causes of separation anxiety in children. Armed with that knowledge you’ll be well on they way to dealing with the root cause of your child’s problem and help them through the situation without too much fuss.

While children may have many of the same types of fear as adults, they don’t handle them in the same way. In fact, in many cases they don’t deal with them at all. This is because unlike adults they have much less control over the situation and they have no previous experience of dealing with these types of fear.

Obviously, the way separation anxiety affects children will change as they mature – so lets look at it from the perspective of age ranges. These are not written in stone – they are just a guide.

Four Years and Up

Most of us who have had children will recognise when babies start to get agitated when mummy is not around. Virtually all babies go through that stage when they get upset when Mom , or sometimes Dad goes out of their sight. Most of the time, this soon disappears when they learn that although Mom goes away, she soon comes back again and often with something nice to drink or eat or play with.

Yet sometime these fears come back when the child is a little older. Many times the return of separation anxiety in children is as a result of a new and unknown event such as going to kindergarten or starting school for the first time.

For the child, their world, everything they have ever know is being turned upside down. If we think about this from the child’s perspective we may b able to understand why they find some things so frightening.

Take the case of going to school…

They have to leave their home, leave their Mom or Dad, leave their brothers or sisters , leave their toys (Toys are very important to children) and do something – they don’t know what – in some place – they don’t know where – and most likely no one they know is going to be there if anything goes wrong. In fact not only is no one they know going to be there, there are going to be lots of strangers there…

This is all scary stuff for a four or five year old.

Now I’m sure you’ll already understand that for most kids, it’s the unknown that’s scary. (in fact that’s true for some adults too) But they don’t know what the unknown is and don’t have enough life experience to put unknown things into any type of context– they can only relate to what they do know that being Mom, Dad Sister, Brother home, TV, toys and so on. The only thing they really understand is that they are not going to have these things that have been so much a part of their life for ever.

Now, for most kids this passes quite quickly, and within a few days they find that school is actually an ‘all right’ place with lots of things to do and nice people to play and even the teachers are nice really.

But for 1 in about 25, going to kindergarten or school is going to be a bit of a problem. But not one that can’t be over come as we shall see later on.

What to look for.

The signs of separation anxiety are in fact not a lot different from many of the things we all do as children. And I think the simples thing to do is give you a list.

These will include…

• Chronic sleep disturbance
• Clingy
• Distress – when separated from mum,dad, home, brother, sister, pets and of course toys
• Fighting
• Irritability
• Morbid fears of loss
• Nightmares
• Restlessness
• Sulking
• Tantrums
• Tears
• Won’t sleep alone

Some, if not most of these are normal part of childhood and having a few of them even all at once does not mean your child has a disorder. I think you’ll agree we should never be too quick to put labels on our kids – sometimes the wrong one can stick.

The simple truth is that for most children the anxiety demonstrated by these signs will go as quickly as they came. Anxiety only becomes a disorder when you have multiple signs being a problem day after day for at least two weeks.

Eight Years Old and Up

As children get older there experience of the world obviously increases – both the good and the bad.

While we can hope that it’s mostly good we can’t insulate them from what goes on in the world and at some point a child will understand things die. This lesson may come from something quite simple such as the death of a pet. Equally, it can be from a second hand experience such a a friend who loses someone close to them.

For most children, it will stop right there as just an understanding that no matter how sad it is pets and people die and that’s that.

However, for a few children this will play on their minds.

They will realise that people close to them can die and they won’t see them again. This can lead to them developing a worry about anything they perceive can take or separate those they love from them. So they may get anxious about going in planes, car crashes, robbers, strangers and more.

These fears will not just be for them, in fact more times than not they will worry about those close to them doing anything that they consider to be dangerous. IE doing anything that could take the ones they are close too away from them.

They may also worry when they have to go out as well as they need to be home to ‘look after’ people. Sometime they may even want to go with you everywhere ‘to keep you safe’.

Divorce and parental illness are other events that can cause separation anxiety in children for the obvious reason that the child may fear being left alone or separated from someone they love who has always been a part of their life.

Twelve Years and Up

This is a strange time for many youngsters. They are finding out who they are and so their sense of identity is becoming more firmly cemented They are also transferring much of the comfort they felt in the home with the family – to what some may consider to be a new or extended family as they start to develop strong friendships with others in their peer group.

If you prefer there are often more opportunities for separation anxiety to occur in children at this time in their lives that had been possible previously (Such as having to move away because of a parental job change). Not only that, their life experience has increased and they will be more acutely aware about the consequences of being away or separated from those they care about.

While the outward signs may take on a different flavour – the underlying problem is still the same. It does require some careful handling though…

What to do about separation anxiety in children.

Well the good news is that for most cases, separation anxiety can be dealt with both quickly and effectively.

The first thing to do is be vigilant – take notice and interest in your kids and what they do. (If you don’t know what is normal for them – how can you tell when it’s NOT normal?)

When you know something new is coming up in the life of your child – such as starting kindergarten or new school, then keep an eye on them. If you notice something amiss – no matter how small – ACT! Dealing with it before it becomes a problem is always the best solution for everyone.

Then, take the time to talk with them about their fears. Get to the root of the problem without judging or belittling

Never ignore it and never dismiss a child’s fear.

Often, it’s the fear of the unknown that starts things off going the wrong way. The most effective way to overcome that is to turn the scary ‘unknown’ into the not so bad after all ‘known’. Using the example of say starting or even changing schools.

Take advantage of the many pre-enrolement visits that many schools put on and go their with them and show them it’s OK. If those aren’t available, go with others you know to maybe drop off or pick up their children already there.

For the pre teens and early teens showing or better proving you are interested in them and what is important to them is key to allaying separation anxiety. Listening and showing you are trying to understand their concerns are truly important to them. Remember, they may feel they have to choose who it is they become separated from – such as in the case of a divorce and that’s not a decision they want to have make as it just increases the anxiety.

Family Problems

Children are often more sensitive to situations than we give them credit for. They know when some things not right. They spot even the subtle change in routines and will very quickly wonder what’s going on. Remember the unknown is more scary than the known in many cases.

So if you see your child has picked up on a situation – maybe illness, redundancy, or marriage problems – don’t hide it from them. Simply explain it in a way they can understand.

Above all, reassure them and let them know that they (and their siblings) are loved just as much as ever and nothing can change that no matter what.

For the child, being made to feel truly apart of the whole is one of the best ways of avoiding and overcoming problems with separation anxiety.

For us as parents, being better informed is always a good choice to make so if you need any more help there are a numbers of ways you can get it.

You will find teachers, coaches, and health professionals and counsellors all ready to help both with advice and practically where appropriate. So take advantage of that help if you need it – you’ll be glad you did.

Lastly, if you want  further help and quickly, Charles Linden (of the Linden Method) has developed a course specifically aimed at helping children – it’s called the Linden Method Junior Edition. You can find out more about that by clicking this link. this will take you to the main page then follow the link for the ‘child anxiety‘ in the bar at the top.

References

* Katherine Shear and her colleagues (2006) shows that separation anxiety disorder in adults is actually more prevalent than childhood separation anxiety disorder. According to the study, childhood separation anxiety disorder was seen in 4.1 percent of children, while separation anxiety disorder in adults was estimated to stand at 6.6.

Authors note: All the studies I have read indicate that adult sufferers are more likely to have had un-addressed separation anxiety as children. SO it’s would seem it’s best to deal with the problem early.

Photo Credit: McKaySavage